Day 19:
[pour out of me]
whisper into night/ pour all of this [out] of me/ this gesture is
called: Begging
*Please use the guide for exact measurements.
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Process Notes:
"Because dissociation is a breakdown in the continuity of a person's felt sense, it almost always includes distortions of time and perception."
-Waking the Tiger
Lens Flare:
"When light rays coming from a bright source(s) of light (such as the sun or artificial light) directly reach the front element of a camera lens, they can reflect and bounce off different lens elements, diaphragm and even off the sensor, potentially degrading image quality and creating unwanted objects in images."
What is an unwanted object in regards to light?
Do you look for safety and security but in your heart, you pray for danger to be saved from the little dream we made here.
Is this time worse than Katrina. I don't know how you would measure a disaster against a disaster. Each is as unique as a fingerprint, a snowflake, a stain, the way we love...
I am learning now there are so many layers to love.
Have you seen this too. (in the still silence of these days when you can hold your breath against your beating heart, if you can hold it. can you hold it. can you let it go. i slipped inside each moment, stealth. we rotate. i leaned into not clinging, not grasping, and let it wash. let it wash me away, if that's what you want, new orleans. i could never resist you.)
[and love, love was so slippery. like happiness. love was so abundant. we warred here and it was unnecessary.]
I don't know that light ever makes a mistake. I think we just have to adjust our expectation of seeing.
Photograph:
Clouds over the Lakefront
Time changed during the pandemic, everyone noted. We steep in the familiar, the dissociative experience.
The night we roller skated by the tracks in the warehouse while the trains rolled by...
I want you to know at the end of the night, I rolled the whole perimeter of the space and swept it clear of all the energy we left there. All of my life has been a sweeping of sorrows, a gathering of grief, the felt sense of how energy shifts from the body into open space, and we move it. We transform it out into the replicating space of all of this. I wouldn't change a thing.
I want you to know in all of my life: I have had friends who handed me ways to survive all of this. In the end, there was more love than I could have ever reciprocated.
And you too, even as the world broke around us, even as you struggled and fought to stay afloat, you gave me the dream I held inside me. I wanted to fly and you said, here: I made this safe for you.
And it made all of the difference.
Love doesn't always shape by carving, I discovered in this life.
Love shapes too by the softest of whispers over time; we pull so close, we forget to listen.
Plague Journal:
6.7.20
Sometimes love pierces us so deep we want to flee it. Run from swift moving waters before we are carried away. We want to be told, this won't be painful or scary, but life is a meeting of reality where reality lays. We never go back. We are never the same. What about the radical inclusion of I will care for you anyway. Beyond what you give me, how you benefit me, what you do for me. Beyond knowing or else we begin to accept there is no stranger in a species of one. We can define boundaries but keep love unbounded. How many words for it is not the problem.
The problem is everything you hold as a condition and call love is not love.
The problem is what you are reaching for is not love at all.
They say in a dream, everyone is you. I say, here it is exactly the same.
We move through bardos and nothing changes about what we always are.
We want so desperately for the little dreams of our lives to matter, but we are dust. And if we understood the way dust interacts with all dust over time. maybe we could put it away long enough to call up that incredible resilience of joy that harbors in each of us.
Resource:
Photographer Mario Tama arrived in New Orleans on Aug. 29, 2005, after he was dispatched by the agency Getty Images to document what was shaping up to be one of the worst natural disasters in U.S. history.
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