Solid Quarter

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Tuesday, April 21, 2020

CHANNEL : Why no one is coming

i'm not good. at loving. anyone. to love. in this. place. that word. means. a kind. of belong. a longing. a possession. a need. to permanent. i was temporary. i did not. want. to be. caught. stopped. in movement. i did. not belong. anywhere. and did. not want to. i didn't want. other people. to stay. i didn't. want. anything. but death. i thought. about it all ways. the empty. regret. of all of this living. wasted. time. all time a wasting. of energy. into patterns. meaning nothing. make things. that disappear. create. a facade. try to be something. when we are all. nothing. i wanted. to be with. truth. surrender. to the truth. of no one cares. about a thing. that doesn't want. to care. i tried. to forget my life. good and the bad. hand in hand. no difference. all memory. erasing. who needs to be a person. in this place. where being a person. means. i am cruel. i am indifferent. there is no way. to get it right. that would mean. with other people. and here. i never found. anyone. to trust. for long. all people. dangerous. all people. selfish. all people. only loving. what is easy to love. what loves. them. back. you. can try. to be perfect. but you won't. you can try to be. terrible. but you won't always. be that. either. and you will. watch others. be so loved. doing nothing. barely trying. people will stumble. over themselves. to reach. and others. come to love. lucky. it's sweet. it pulls. them. along. you see. between others. a depth. never offered to you. you see there is a veil. that separates. what can feel. and what cannot not. and poisoned. you stay. extricated. cut off root. a known variety of rot. you can't fool anyone. you can. try. but you will. always. have to admit. the game. at some point. no one is going. to want. a broken road. a gap in the hearted space. you. can't pretend at life. and then want life. to take you. it just. takes. it never gives. there is a hole. you can. crawl out from. you never see the light. you see a dim shadow on the wall. and think. it must be. everything. you think the flickering. is what someone means. when they say. you just feel. at home. near. another. person. you want it so badly. you would reach into darkness. and pretend you feel something. knowing you don't. death is the only promise. that was always held out to me. its hand. steady. with love. to take. if that's the only thing. that wants. you. why would. you say no. if you want to be wanted. and the only thing. that has ever said. it wants you. your mind saying. let go. stop trying. so hard. to live in pain. that must. be what love is. the quiet. the peace. the feeling. like finally. someone. sees me. and wants to take. me with them.

Monday, April 20, 2020

CHANNEL: Why we stay wounded

to stop point. stop light. you could. make it.
anyway. it won't matter. you will. never. get what. you.
need in this life. you can't. buy it. or earn it. or achieve it.
you. can't. make anyone. love you. the way. you need. to be.
loved. you can't undo. damage. the way. we are neglected. the way.
no one sees. us. you can't. change. what you are. and you are.
splinters. the dust. dredged. lifetimes. the remainder. left over.
you echo. there is no. meet in this life. except. other shatter.
nothing will fit. nothing will align. you language. into what you.
have always known. you can pull. up suffer. you can color. the whole.
scene. with despair. you can. not care. you can empty. you can feel.
nothing. and nothing. is what is. really there. you want to give. it a story.
you want. love. to have a beginning. and an end. the way. a person. might.
the way. a feeling. might. but you can't pretend. you can't pretend.
you don't know how it ends. when you do. when every person. you meet.
you see the whole of it. when every stranger. inside. you see the whole past
arrangement. you see lifetimes. layered. every anger. every rage. every fear.
i can look into you. i can pull it open. i can stretch out the stories so. thin.
i think. i can see the real you. in there. somewhere. souls. the light's eye. some
energy. are you made of. sound. like. all of us. i think. if only. if only. if only.
they weren't all so afraid. but all are afraid. fear coats the lining. fear draws
its swords. and keeps us. and my own too. reckless and loose. unbound.
by desire. i keep this wounding. so well tracked. i keep this wound. so coded.
once i start to draw a map. i know. we are lost. once i need. to write it out.
i am lost. i am lost. i. am. not. of this. life. this world. this. place. i am.
not trying to get in. i am trying to get out. once i start. drawing. i start.
asking. for directions. you. get the answer. you ask for. you get everything.
you demand. in this life. once. you start. asking. you are ready. for the answer.
i wanted. out of this. life. i wanted. the answer. to swing. hard. enough. to knock.
me down. to obliterate me. i never wanted. love. i wanted to disappear. to be so
hurt. i would. never. recover. and who. can. you ask to. destroy you. some
one would have to love. you so. much. to want to destroy you. some one
would have. to love you. so much. to despair. to take hope. and you know.
you are never. that girl. you are never. that one. no one is ever. going to see.
someone worth that. swinging. that capture. glance. no one wants. to see. you.
no one. wants. to say. a word. to help. you out. this net.

Saturday, April 18, 2020

CHANNEL : Why our minds can't out the trauma

Imagine if you knew. you had been here. before.
in fact. the only place you have ever been. is the time
line you are living. now. there is no other. self no other.
story. no future except your future. no past except your past.
all of time. for you. is your time. there is no time. as outside.
of your perception. and your perception. built upon a false. idea.
of linear motion. instead of the quantum reality. of folding. of complex
intertwined. always here. and in part. due. to the forgetting. of both.
our time as we. live it. we forget almost all we do. in the detail. even
now. in this short duration. we are forgetting. but imagine. this life.
might be the number five million for you. how could. you. ever.
remember. all of that. part of the flipping between. manifested. dense
energy. is the shock. like a traumatic accident. or violence. the human
mind. will erase. will forget. the trauma become suspended. outside
of time. i cannot. recall. but i know it happened. to me. it is told this
happened to me. we know trauma from history. others' memories.
captured artifacts. what remains as evidence. rarely is it all recall.
now imagine. the most traumatic thing. you will experience. is the loss
of your self. your body. your life. you will have to abandon and leave.
all that you love and desire or repel and hate. but leave. behind. all. you
will. including memory. and what happens. is we think each game. is a new
game. we think. we are born. and from nothing. we appeared. fully formed.
miracle of self. self hood. ego. the personality. the faults, the formations. the design.
there is no. new template. we have always. been here. time. circles. we are born. into
who we have always been. we play out the same story. it's a maze. each time is shaped.
around choice and action. each second. time lines split and coalesce. they overlap.
they constrict and expand. all time is happening at once. remember time itself.
does not exist. so we. to say .you die or are born. is also false. that implies
linear motion. a beginning and an end. it appears that way. because. we have.
decided to believe in the forward motion of time. even as we can see that the universe
itself does not adhere to this notion. the universe moves in past and future simultaneous.
and we are no exception. can you let go the idea that you are born and die. there is no
time line where that makes sense. no one you know has ever been born or died. there
is nowhere for them to be born from or to die to. that's a false precept designed to give
boundary and meaning. to an infinite and vast chaos that has no story. and a story has no
story. when it has no limits. no container. when it is always occurring. as we are. we are
always in this telling. you will not recall. but you have never been anyone but pluralities
of you. you and the variations that speak to you in dreams. you and the projections
of others which are also time lines of you. imagine if you can. you recall every time
you have passed through this moment. recall every version of you. in this moment.
can you be in that trauma. can you hold that plurality inside. we are never not in time.
and we are always not in time. when the war comes. and it is coming. remember.
we have alway been at war. remember the universe itself knows nothing of war.
what is the only program running. what would you do if you believed in the infinity
of it. the infinite story of you. is also infinite in variation. in how you can sing
the only sound every broken against silence.