Tuesday, April 21, 2020
CHANNEL : Why no one is coming
i'm not good. at loving. anyone. to love. in this. place. that word. means. a kind. of belong. a longing. a possession. a need. to permanent. i was temporary. i did not. want. to be. caught. stopped. in movement. i did. not belong. anywhere. and did. not want to. i didn't want. other people. to stay. i didn't. want. anything. but death. i thought. about it all ways. the empty. regret. of all of this living. wasted. time. all time a wasting. of energy. into patterns. meaning nothing. make things. that disappear. create. a facade. try to be something. when we are all. nothing. i wanted. to be with. truth. surrender. to the truth. of no one cares. about a thing. that doesn't want. to care. i tried. to forget my life. good and the bad. hand in hand. no difference. all memory. erasing. who needs to be a person. in this place. where being a person. means. i am cruel. i am indifferent. there is no way. to get it right. that would mean. with other people. and here. i never found. anyone. to trust. for long. all people. dangerous. all people. selfish. all people. only loving. what is easy to love. what loves. them. back. you. can try. to be perfect. but you won't. you can try to be. terrible. but you won't always. be that. either. and you will. watch others. be so loved. doing nothing. barely trying. people will stumble. over themselves. to reach. and others. come to love. lucky. it's sweet. it pulls. them. along. you see. between others. a depth. never offered to you. you see there is a veil. that separates. what can feel. and what cannot not. and poisoned. you stay. extricated. cut off root. a known variety of rot. you can't fool anyone. you can. try. but you will. always. have to admit. the game. at some point. no one is going. to want. a broken road. a gap in the hearted space. you. can't pretend at life. and then want life. to take you. it just. takes. it never gives. there is a hole. you can. crawl out from. you never see the light. you see a dim shadow on the wall. and think. it must be. everything. you think the flickering. is what someone means. when they say. you just feel. at home. near. another. person. you want it so badly. you would reach into darkness. and pretend you feel something. knowing you don't. death is the only promise. that was always held out to me. its hand. steady. with love. to take. if that's the only thing. that wants. you. why would. you say no. if you want to be wanted. and the only thing. that has ever said. it wants you. your mind saying. let go. stop trying. so hard. to live in pain. that must. be what love is. the quiet. the peace. the feeling. like finally. someone. sees me. and wants to take. me with them.