Anesthesia: A Suite Not Dream

"In his mind abandoning photography meant submitting to loss" 

-House of Leaves

"We have surpassed all of our templates..." 

-Laura Mattingly, 12.25.19

Anesthesia: A Suite Not Dream

i.

let me wing over you 

a pass-

ing,       passage "of time"    "with

                  out sensation"  steer   bliss

under you, i am reach

i am   _____ible 

          

          swallowing my tongue               its tail 

rip her up out/ rip inside          

down my throat              

        between my legs    instrument of extraction 

 i caress each intrusion into the body  

         was not love that pulled me apart 

             there is no drug 

                    there is no drug

                           there is no drug 

    that will ever sleep me through that raping 

i would have found it by now

      i would have folded wings down

i would fly  

                       but i

stayed strapped down          you   are     going 

                    to have to hold her d____

ii.

drown      i sing into the twilight 

what is a controlled loss / does it temper

   does it twinkle.... look at the lights in this hotel 

i was dreaming we walked there.

           i sing           down into a time line 

 not my own. i come to

i woke up here. in this place. where all is similar
and i 

i am the different             stone angel 

                                        prayer like water   

prayer like my name erased. 

iii.

xmas day: i told her ask the cards what i need to do when they put me under again, 4 hours in the tabling. as close to death, i would shimmer. and what is it you want. to hurt god.    G-D.   to refuse that love. b/c if that's not good enough. girl, if no one is g--d enough          is it you or them  quitting early, is it you or them bringing you back up.... 

                          it's never all going to be fixed

iv. 

  if i can just solve this piece

      if i can.

         if i am worth it. 

                   

                        i can make it cohere. i can make all of the words

fit. 

            under my tongue, the skin sheared where they would silence

           bowls echo           i struck        i was struck 

v.

        unpin scapula.    let me never be afraid of losing you

    my palms were filled with shame.     still.        after all this confession

      after all this doubt doused.                shame pouring between fingers

       an offering:    look at me.          under the lights.       universe perfect. 

        i built hard as cement. i held inside me hard as rock. stone to stone. 

the world touched me and i turned it out.  impenetrable.   

tell me the truth, dream,  

                 you've never met a girl as hard to see as this one. 

Day 12: American Horror Story

"That time allows us/ to see what we were blind to/ and to become blind to what we've seen."
- Kate Greenstreet, case sensitive

"One out of 8 Hollywood movies depicts a rape theme"
-"Violence Against Women: A Report on Life in Our Times" MS 1.2 (1990)

American Horror Story

what is it about a woman's body that is so rapeable, that the telling is apparent so it whips, once upon in the house of holy, in red tented diabolicals where ran this fluid, what a calling, she can be a nevering, she can be thrushed, (hush), the lickiest lulla-bye, dreams are full of unspeakable desires, can you have a story without the bending of her, without the undressing, without the insertion, without the subtle cues that speak, speak what is power, what love in the face of: the end result of cultural misogyny is socialized murder. but let's recall that fiction excuses male violence when it's caused by evil forces. twin peaks this plot line so the infestation is excusable. in this one, she gets a baby, in this one, she gets fame, in this one, she gets revenge and to be born again. see, rape is a way for a woman to get ahead:: this horror show. this our american horror story in any century, in any city. the script stays the same. Foucault claims that social mores kept people in line historically. line by line, this abuse stays golden, media pool, this news refracts. you get to see how it looks. the raping. you get to pause it, you get to rewind it, you get to fast forward it, but you can't have the tale excised of. you have to participate if you want in. you have to participate if you want in. and everyone wants in. who doesn't love a good scare?