Frozen States
how'd you get so desperate/ how'd you stay alive -C. Love
woke up with a fist in my throat
scrape rage but thinned time, it fast
lingers, i lost the grip, my tongue
a grotto
of bartering, you want this life, you want this life
ask anyone passing by, what a joke, what an eternal mourning
take pills to feel the only love that touches
[redacted] came up [what i am owed]
& don't think we haven't recorded
how am i still here how am i still here
was the refrain from under:: it was stardust they pulled
out my mouth, i was frost bit, no one wants to photograph
a girl who can't [pose] she's not doll [en__gh]
you'll never be able to hold that g a z e
every one knows if you can't be beautiful & you can't
[ be horrific ] horror show this waste
of living it wears your face
4 seconds:: i was touch-down, deep stasis::
& when i came back [redacted]
some parts never will, i couldn't get warm,
they piled the blankets around me, a smothering
& i sd: the dead take up space inside
[no one listens to hysterics] don't say it's up to me
i was hyperthermic dead zone where i traveled
b/c i knew i could i can do anything [out there]
it's nothing. i keep saying angel, what i mean is terror. no
one is listening to me. i keep saying words & they say she's a poem
what a beauty. what a trilling. death hung on my hands and feet
i was so numb. there is nothing out there. & it is cold. the light of light
darkens. bone shivered there is no way for sound to carry. so quick
the silence is us. so quick.
the truth is this:
no one will ever reach for you
not like a dreaming, a place you cannot shore
when you island loss
creep from death parent to lesser cues
every poem was a mirror i held up
& i wait i'm afraid it won't lead me anywhere
we call her [ ] kneel into the frozen lights
useless as a song, useless as a memory, useless as __________
how could i still be here.... when every code i wrote was the same
i am lost & the maps, torn to shreds. the way
home insides me, i would go there now
but the children sweetly gather, the dog snores
the sun rises in the city i have only ever known
look at me, i have failed at everything.
i have failed at everything.
i ever wanted in this life no matter for the cold here is nothing
the cold out there. endless. is what waits.
