Love Does Not Exist

if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist
if you don't love me, it's because love does not exist

we are never quantum fixt to another.

we are only ever quantum fixt to the ideas that trap us here.
and believing love is here is the net that has caught so deep we can't see how fast asleep we are.

Echo of Lost

 time is a feature of our minds

at each moment, we are at the edge of a paradise

called now, nothing can be in two places

the mind projects motion in what is a series of still caughts

what we think of as love, continuous

is error in observation: given enough time

maximum entropy will occur 

it was no matter that you could never be straight

with me, could never tell me the truth of what you felt

could never say to me any sweetness in this hard, hard life

for what i imagine is everything, is more that what you could

offer, is more than what could ever exist

and inside the dreaming of the dream, it falters

to eclipse us, order is a rare phenomena falling around us

there was no before or after in this scene

it is ever lasting, i was closed my eyes against loss

i was shut down to when you left me standing 

here alone 

Serpah less Listen

"I am your loved one, lost from eternity" 

-D. di Prima

 

ever aloud saying imagine would you

opening wider hearing it they

city they lived tried so i 

sings she ride will you

ever answer, cannot type that love

abandon share will you sorrow 

algae the surface settle we need

little very beauty rely very here 

know it, do of we course breaking 

directly look won't & need

control blows chain of is it

miracles am i talk 

wanting of long it comes birthing 

hard worth desire story 

ripped & not it continue to life

longing another us unfurled

make stuns emerge 

one who thing i so 

a that into us 

girl, recall i was

a woman you make 

 

Fire the Poem

who can fire the poet, she says

but i'm quitting all the time

i wanted to retrace a cause, spool into time

this measure of what i determined a quantum fixt sound

to be soul to soul bound of karmic disasters or what 

is measured as in relation, i found myself wrong

about more than i was ever right

i'm exhausted by left hand margins 

& a departure from

how cute the use of line breaks

while people die of easily preventable 

things like hunger and poverty

how much longer in the charade of scarcity 

of resources and wealth is our requited participation 

 

we aren't taking care of one another, she said

the day we took MDMA and voted

i have a right to be a happy citizen 

given that our time here is infinite

why all the anxiety about right & wrong moves

we misremembered parting and departing 

a different set of codes

 

the night sky partially a drowning of dead light

but drawn as we are to a shining, we pretend

how many ghosts are inside us now

i mean inside this universe and well, of course

this climate of mean observations

 

Severed of Timing

 

severed of hope is there's more of you

severed of delusion, & i am [un]-ground-

i'd rather make art between us than other shapes of control

madness called down so fine, the line trembles

to be quantum fixt is a code of reunions, i architect

into the code with a precision of science to sound

and what you hashtag makes it real, for here we live 

inside a doming, a light broken as horizons

broken of bird song

god is a woman asleep in the bathtub, dreaming 

do we have to know what we are creating

what's the poem about. there's no

poem here. look at the outline 

of make and tell me, you can't hear 

how reality is snapping 

we became beasted, two sets of eyes 

for every seeing, two sets of mind

so one stays afloat

one of us shores

equipped of light and browsing 

pages of directions

what's an echo in an isolated chamber

but retreaded as indentations 

deep enough to hold memory 

if all love is the same 

than all death must be the same

could you be simply here

you can become so untethere

we chimed in, a charm of not 

as if not loving me could ever be 

as dangerous as if you did

and then what we don't know we don't know yet

half as deadly as what we think we know 

that is actually unknowable

i am certainly dead & what shall be
made of it, if we no longer fear time 

what makes it matter

Dropped of Desire

i'm going to take notes as we go under
as it capsizes
i'm going to small
in the terrible light of design
i'm centered on amaze
central to backing

there is a body in the building
is it recoverable
can you identify the design
of contamination, do you know how many
bodies were in the room prior to the diagnosis
of death: i am as statue. i am as prisoner.

i am attempt of constructed misjudgments
this song abrasive, undone of timing
i would sing for those forgotten

i was never going to be what you wanted
and that was hard for me to hold
i wanted to make it to the other shore
blessed of survive in how we held each otherdown

but here we are: adrift
i have to let you go 

i have to watch everything
i love
be taken by time

 

Seen through Darkly

 i would eviscerate any knowing of what i am 

shall we archive the way we failed at being human 

i tired. 

to keep pieces.

cohere. 

to make a thing.

what is a mind. 

crumbling. 

fail as a photograph. 

to capture.

what is seen. 

i watch the walls. 

splatter.

if i could out this loop. 

i would. 

you can't hold me.

to sane. 

i will erase. 

memory. 

abandon. 

is the only word i know. 

for love.

Passive in Revolution

grief sharpens us

turns us into the ghosts we are

slap happy in the world 

you can't survive living

i have adjusted my expectations around you

i have retrieved the significant bytes from previous dialogues

i have attributed values to the 1s and 0s used in each string

i have typed these symbols in the text box [$#!?]

i have anonymously answered three questions about myself 

that only eternity can hold 

i have become incoherent passive in the revolution 

as predicted by television 

i have telescoped my thoughts to the smallest diameter

i am winking at you across the borders of declension 

have you had enough water today 

right shift + control: delete your notions of absurd

it's taxing to be a poet

in baseball season. and without. 

amidst a pandemic. or without. 

we write about the moon. 

but it's not like i really want 

to end up alone there.

Bite Down Hard

i imagine we ship off

imagine we stow away 

i imagine the barges come and go on the river

we stalk around undetected

we slippery rats among the rocks

our tails a dead giveaway 

that we are alive still

searching borders broken 

i imagine i held my finger 

 

to your mouth 

& you bite down hard enough

to draw blood

i am a feeding to you 

 

i never wanted to be rescued

but devoured. like any proper

woman i would you let me know

you love me 

by removing my eyes, my tongue, ears

cut off my hands and leave me

senseless

i will know then i am one

of the adored

one of the precious

one of the salivated for by the masses

put one part of me on social media and with 

enough likes, i become a real girl

a real girl, they said, oh yes

everyone knows if you want to be worth anything

you have to have followers and likes 

enough to fill your days

that's what life is really worth dying for 

 

what else could make us the inverse

of god 

Solid as Wave

you've been nothing but bounded your whole lie, i mean life

to speak of it

i have fully embraced giving up 

boundaries risk nothing and are inevitable

everyone will bet on them

high praise slap on the back 

for wielding yours. but what an imaginary

what a way of concealing 

to think being human makes you 

so spectacular and not just spectacle

i'm not trying to craft poems here

i want a record of break, of fail, i want to insert 

into time the memory of how when you try 

to repeat, you are making a bargain with less

you can't go home again

but you also can't do any of this twice

do you understand what i am coding
you can't see clearly 

because our way of perceiving is being 

co-opted by what we consider acceptable 

ways to be in this level of program

and what we have allowed allows for no clear

management of the dream's taking 

so we barter and trespass and i want you 

to recall love is not a thing you can give 

or take, you have nothing and you get nothing 

dead or alive, we top the cascades of erase

you've been nothing but bounded your whole life.

the way we love one another is so particular

no word yet exists

what we call failure in this life is a lie, what we 

call success is a lie, what we call progress is a lie, what

we call history is a lie, what we are doing is actually 

nothing

Ashes from Ashes

 

 

 

we'll get to it, what

this. 

this is a what.

this is a type of

 

a burning. 

a what. i mean. 

it's calling. 

calling what. 

not what. a who. 

you mean. 

 

don't all talk at once. 

it's a calling. 

we'll get to it. 

we are getting closer. 

to what. 

to the beginning. 

 

now what. 

 

let me tell you a story. 

 

 

do you remember the caves we lived in for so many lifetimes. in the before. in the skins and furs of when we spoke the languages of all the living. do you recall the way we read the smoke. the way echoes danced inside us, our heartbeats as wild and free as the sky itself threatening to swallow. i am writing to you from inside the caging of a matrix that was designed to destroy all memory of what we are. how we traded freedom for an empty promise of safe. and there is no safe. there is now less and less safe for all. 

 

once upon a time, we slept in the crook of fear as sweet as any babe because we walked with death, our ancestors held as close as a whisper. do you hear them. do you know it was always just us in the cave. it only holds room enough for one. but from the flames we made shadows of self enough to dance ourselves into a frenzy. we began to believe in the closing down into disparate parts. and also we thought we were the burning. 

 

sleep now, we are almost there. 

 

we have called into the deepest dark, and the only resolution now is extinction. and then return. for there is nowhere to go beyond. the universe is exact and ever expanding, annihilation and ruin.

 

Don't Be Afraid

this is the us of our country. the us of our diligent courses. the us of financial disparity. the us of consuming resources. the us of hoarding. the us of instant gratification. the us of short attention spans. the us of enslavement under different names. the us of concentration camps, of prisons, of anything but freedom, home of the brave.

please be brave.

capture as blocks of time. i was in the moment listening. i was in the net, internetted to notions of lovely, shaped by direct messages & alerts and not by touch, the sound of your voice is a memory but i have scrolls of words that will nail you into place. 

 

this is a story of failure, the ways we collapse collectively. 

found our discomfort is what we call every day. 

 do you feel historical today, i mean, hysterical. i mean no one can work. no one 

can function. i mean how do you not marvel every day at the psychological 

warfare we're being asked to exist under

 emotions are the entertainment of distraction

it's when you feel nothing anymore that we can begin 

to deprogram you 

how long is this internment? 

 or what is the length of your belief in time. 

 

 

 

Return to Begin

i had to bring you back. 

to the first photograph, 

so you can see. as i see. 

the world dusty

stained with fingerprints 

the way everything human 

to me is trespass

collections of sound, the detritus of energy

all of which is to say: i cannot clear it away 

enough. this coupling, this charged center

the heart's core of incomplete

i would carry this wound in each iris

i would lens light to a trapping

tell me what i can't do is keep trying

like i will not surrender 

us

i will not be made to give over

in some easy gestures, told that miracles

are minor accidents, or try to swallow some 

time spent in between make and imagine

when we held the keys to every crystal chamber

the mind colluded to create in us

i would you whisper to me before we leave 

this place. at least once to delight me. 

use the words we chose in silence, tell me 

we did find something together here. 

 

No Surface Shatters

 

no. i'm not ok. you can't get this far

and be ok. they won't tell you that.

i can't figure this part out, i told him. 

you can swerve so far off course, he said

than you can still come back.

i'm stuck in a loop, i confessed. i keep trying.

he can't hear me because we are on separate time 

lines now, once we traveled together. 

 

that's all you get in this life

if you are a traveler. 

 

if you are lucky, for some short trips

you won't have to travel alone

 

but now it has been many long nights

and days and nights and days and life times

 

here in this location. 

 

i don't think we could have known. i don't think 

there's any way we could have known. 

 

but i've been wrong about so much.

 

we are ever at war. of course, we say

that is why we are here. that is why we came

we are ever at war

 

we are ever traveling here. 

 

 

look, i will one of these days

feel as though i'm getting it right

write exact

 

that blue. that sky. that sound of the river.

layers of concrete. holding us like magic.

 

all of it magic. holding us up. 

 

 

 

Center the Monstrous

 

What gets raped out of the body? What does the body forget in neglect? What is disappeared under the weight of every day annihilation?  What is lost in translation when we are never told the truth. Can beauty ever be enough. Can the belief in love ever be enough. What fills up the smallest cup we call our heart space. This is a photograph of a drowning, the space of this one drop can be filled with enough neutrinos to kill a person. It is in the smallest measures that we are risking every day. The algorithm of consuming to extinction is hard wired into you at birth. Is there a difference between touching your tongue to the burning flame and me telling you: The world is on fire. 

what we see is the poem orbiting/ the poet radiates/ a type of internal combustion/ seek it in a different 'light'/ infrared, global and music/ what is an invisible word/ between spectrum / if some of us had survived/ now all of this would be different/ like misplacing all of the umbrellas/ so you have to feel the weight/ of water on your skin/ the way you know you are alive/ or don't

the representation of a wish is the representation of its realization

 

what is spell bound in language

 

what an effigy for desire in the word. to say petal.to say bloom. to say flowered. we trade in the etymology of a softness and a vulnerable that hand to hand asks of us to fantasy how hard it is to exist here. magic was never about manifesting dreams as much as shaping the programs that hold you under this illusion that we could be handed the smallest pieces of the puzzle and still solve for whole.

 

 i have been warning anyone who will listen, to come upon collectively this never remembered space in the time line must surely believe we have never made it this far before.

 

but perhaps you recall the sound of my voice.

 

even now, you could sound out my name on your tongue and that might be the length of existence.

Extraction for Measures

 

these words arrive to you via reflected light. via the course from mind of design to mind of intention to the yellow brick mazing of never go home again. do you know what happens to a city that leaves the dead in a building for almost a year. now we do. now we know the answer to so many terrors. the way what we hold sacred can be stripped from us, the way we became history even as we sank beneath it. 

 

 

 

 

 

this photograph x-rays the photon’s expectation, it adheres along the edge. What is emitted from the core is a beyond the speed of light determination. Does the operating system of the universe run analog or digital we might ponder to pass the minutes. i can tell you that under survival such cushions are not needed to line the couch. you can turn the whole furniture over to float when the water comes. don’t ask me about fire. all i’ve know in this life is more and more intricate ways to drown.

 

Wunderlost: A Tribe

Wunderlost: A Tribe

for my alice

inside every moment at once perfecting
the arrow of light, we surpass art
more than even the way you held me
down, i slipped from hopeless to ecstatic

poems of echoing: can i feral tongued swim
this abyss, this charnel ground, i laid down
in the ash, i laid down in regret, i laid down impulsive
a sea of colonized divine, swept up: i did not learn

here to say: careful. be careful with me. dig in hooflet
paw me under, pretty lady, it is always time for tea
a broken heart, the dormouse slumbers and we
are late in the code rabbit of tremble, follow me

whiteness raining down, whiteness cloaking
all we could have surmised, what you want is sight
lined, attention of another nails you to a place
stay hidden, and yet, let desire boil up untrammeled

feed the poem, pull it close hand under the chin
a chinny chin let's blow the house in, i was slippery
sloppy gropings in the trap house out back
seat to the theater of politics and media combing

us thin: watch this trick. i am going to pretend
to care, i am going to make the poem capture
a song, it sounds like progress, but the angel
flew shifted of this flattened line, oh time circles

oh we will stop looking each other in the eye

the future of being human is a mockery
we planted our stakes in words, we clever
animals who speak all the underbelly of listening

"Live Art"

"Losing control is the worst thing that can happen."

"I never saw a host of angels mowing down my lawn. I don't even have a lawn. 

It just seems like I do sometimes." 

-Laurie Anderson

"Live Art" 

an angel will destroy you. 

and call it love because that's all it knows. 

an angel fits into a glove

an angel fits into a shoe

the voice inside me sd: i am older than love 

    what you seek at the end of the great tap root, always hungry, love concepts

sieves the heart, who wrote its coding, & i am. 

                    assigned a task. a mapping, could fold wings down 

travel so deep. you will keep: 

  what is older than love, i was designed to get close enough to call back

inside sound. 

aware & unaware of the plurality. 

                    i was not pretending

madness. i was not performing 

        (of course, i was performing) i went intothecracks

in thru the breaking, you have to mine: light meets light in the darkness 

to say i was a poem, & so fly 

dissociated inside the puzzle, you can solve a maze from above

watch me 

because she could not rewrite 

            the entire story, i wanted to throw

                                                                 it all away 

 i was so ashamed of my mind 

     i was so in love  (terrible&brilliant) i... i was trying 

to not be infection:  (you can't talk to the echthroi that long, tell her) 

they say angels are notorious liars. 

it's when i can't feel the words i am saying: language plummets

it all hits the same

inside the dreaming of can we survive

& i did not: i watched her die

i saw them bury her

 i stretched out that last breath into 6 years so thin i could see: make me believe 

              be a door. transit a sacrifice you can't touch here. 

do you exist when i close my eyes. i call out in the dreaming & i'll come, he says. 

the point is: you made something beautiful. hold on. 

 you made something beautiful - tell me how you could lose a miracle

the best thing i ever did in my life was i built a net

i knew i wasn't safe alone. so i built a net of people 

                                 who could choose to hold this. 

 there is nothing easy about holding a person 

              don't kid yourself: there is nothing easy about holding a person 

if a person is easy to hold, then question why your hands are so light. 

for we get away with secrets, for we lie & lie 

but none of us get out just being "easy" 

i would never trade madness for easy, i would never trade 

being touched for happy, 

in the sound experiment of being human: I watched you all 

make yourself small for love. 

i do it too. we think maybe no one will notice, i don' t belong here. 

            where love would have bloomed, i addict control. and the flow

  

was sound, i was that wilderness, what draws and repels

the cannot tame. somehow i created the perfect life: 

no one can touch me, the bargain i made to stay safe. 

an angel will destroy you. 

and call it love because it’s all there is.

Latent Inhibition

I so can sing, in seasons fair, 
That who hath felt may feel again

-C. Patmore, The Angel in the House 



i took out 5 memories
let me guess

you are the gear turning
teeth crunched to bite

i was where the cycle of trauma
ended, inside my body

pay it forward/ paid back
flip track in a single tone
root a way deeper through rot

we exist before & after other people
catalogue of damage, inventory this sepsis

what is enough touch

walk to the river & tell of failing
walk to the corner & turn past the vision
walk to the edge, edging my life
a terminal diagnosis

i stood in the gallery where the dollbabies
alchemied a list of my hysterias
& she sd. do you want to see where they cut off my breast

is there enough to solid my quiver
to cement soaring past liminal

there is the permanent echo of love
& there is the temporary ripple of meet

we all choose what we need
based on survival, the scar of plenty

i'm betting that time made
us what we need to take this

the past reaching forward into the future
whispering, you were just a human being

decoherence, come out of the shoot
entangled:  skepticism
a form of fear,  i need you
to believe in everything

Wanting to Die

and the love, whatever it was, an infection

i tried to last as long as you in the shatter
memory, a lip drooling, i have sliced
off more sounds than most

let me taste it, not rotten, a low
hung bruised fruit no one wants
palmed into violence, i have cut

my way out more than once, that song
sings inside my head constant, silence
is what takes the shape of love here and no

one touches, no one sees, till you disappear
and then let me tell you, bit by anger
planted inside you, i am one more line
written where you left, i emerge to surrender

excised from the deep tap root
you asked me to take in damage
say the woman was forty two and dear
how much time do we have left

put this blood angel up to my ear
we enter their star, they've all gone away
i whispered but you were gone too

anne, i will enter death a light
anne, fur and rings, it's lovely, tell me it's not lovely
how you will look and look for me
in ways you never tried when i was right here

where light meets light creates a darkness
and i like it more than i like me
i am unbalanced, to meet the bleeding trees
i've wiped the program

i am in torment and have no place here
i know your blades of glass, the shock
of sunsets, how i have loved you and all of life
is not up for discussion, it's how i could not

feel any of it, how numb can you swim
forever: how could love ask this of me
ashamed is the life i can't live

the way love will fall around you
riddled with the desire of it
and you falling, can’t grasp on to anything