Wanting to Die

and the love, whatever it was, an infection

i tried to last as long as you in the shatter
memory, a lip drooling, i have sliced
off more sounds than most

let me taste it, not rotten, a low
hung bruised fruit no one wants
palmed into violence, i have cut

my way out more than once, that song
sings inside my head constant, silence
is what takes the shape of love here and no

one touches, no one sees, till you disappear
and then let me tell you, bit by anger
planted inside you, i am one more line
written where you left, i emerge to surrender

excised from the deep tap root
you asked me to take in damage
say the woman was forty two and dear
how much time do we have left

put this blood angel up to my ear
we enter their star, they've all gone away
i whispered but you were gone too

anne, i will enter death a light
anne, fur and rings, it's lovely, tell me it's not lovely
how you will look and look for me
in ways you never tried when i was right here

where light meets light creates a darkness
and i like it more than i like me
i am unbalanced, to meet the bleeding trees
i've wiped the program

i am in torment and have no place here
i know your blades of glass, the shock
of sunsets, how i have loved you and all of life
is not up for discussion, it's how i could not

feel any of it, how numb can you swim
forever: how could love ask this of me
ashamed is the life i can't live

the way love will fall around you
riddled with the desire of it
and you falling, can’t grasp on to anything

   

Palindrome

Palindrome

9.12.19

for kia

every morning you should write a love poem

poem love

a write

should you

morning,

every? 

should you

every, love,

morning write

a poem

a morning write

should you love

every poem

you should love

a poem every

morning

write?

love should write

a you, poem,

every morning

every morning poem

you love

write, a should

should you

write

love, a poem

morning every

you should morning love a poem every write

what number did the angel use to seek you? 

355  870  133  775  753  566  282  171  965  822  696  715  154  895  927  771  684  550  356  565

932  989  336  497  820  416  315  131  686  750  525  316  955  959  873  578  477  688  821  995

735  943  185  103  611  627  233  261  124  700  877  522  727  546  264  441  496  215  458  290

183  246  618  337  751  528  141  852  690  600  675  108  487  351  681  695  899  320  580  115

245  461  208  174  532  621  456  140  277  651  499  248  311  904  772  354  447  663  473  847

967  990  393  722  813  866  346  377  843  533  417  739  177  896  340  120  291  117  789  335

478  790  906  871  762  958  628  349  395  366  142  227  226  457  938  710  322  644  770  429

396  155  902  331  260  428  308  844  431  293  257  270  236  805  179  923  662  845  405  608

603  629  919  723  526  448  827  223  828  485  266  388  930  123  319  310  987  195  803  279

741  924  188  484  613  423  357  323  614  504  848  701  914  856  719  606  897  918  892  505

950  386  647  152  370  984  199  328  341  620  779  894  851  518  454  471  730  883  451  880

229  106  841  243  687  632  280  846  714  400  952  352  304  609  493  591  523  816  307  720

655  520  693  556  105  839  369  838  379  954  633  773  203  292  391  449  373  228  898  707

214  963  219  362  810  186  945  666  438  469  691  854  692  850  235  855  782  713  808  656

859  234  778  398  798  865  561  957  110  202  491  285  562  437  756  180  480  401  255  860

474  410  376  784  187  537  463  858  475  125  982  677  911  817  347  853  541  928  975  212

740  205  101  729  702  161  929  494  258  381  953  517  733  409  317  909  757  824  664  809

433  136  793  711  112  116  616  165  903  942  683  263  278  143  800  232  888  747  462  960

348  425  209  586  242  863  623  330  879  799  834  399  534  146  721  570  359  705  640  163

978  819  139  519  658  669  749  634  931  776  508  785  645  926  238  435  387  509  725  842

881  465  222  483  986  151  382  917  275  442  685  312  450  411  305  599  976  601  670  436

849  993  127  657  737  907  390  887  138  626  833  786  563  743  466  157  806  540  549  755

792  758  811  974  893  372  642  126  130  221  198  309  840  624  213  588  774  678  225  940

639  527  343  302  502  905  415  889  668  251  397  718  470  602  543  196  832  452  148  513

748  353  175  211  594  637  173  767  380  176  648  768  925  516  617  272  489  111  488  604

872  384  935  574  512  385  679  641  241  162  577  530  100  306  787  910  490  299  646  247

121  253  694  479  971  453  374  797  680  999  128  659  514  166  421  867  424  402  371  908

216  538  551  607  804  539  585  259  313  944  977  712  732  900  717  252  104  332  589  998

673  653  365  973  891  635  375  831  378  547  464  638  761  901  113  979  886  970  507  200

300  997  339  149  181  318  829  972  267  482  912  994  244  708  358  564  937  542  218  672

652  204  936  890  818  704  948  545  273  736  168  830  968  160  536  230  361  407  207  321

220  981  791  189  132  579  764  951  667  869  297  250  754  660  467  217  406  440  446  476

481  915  324  289  583  575  303  861  422  511  192  612  760  837  946  728  500  118  459  153

210  781  274  268  807  752  145  650  689  281  630  327  468  631  969  596  521  107  419  814

744  439  812  921  426  636  159  763  239  874  363  334  665  342  134  156  295  815  676  576

985  590  535  868  392  350  460  862  495  344  338  325  765  766  367  674  262  329  759  558

529  738  619  167  158  170  709  780  109  592  615  559  403  597  885  996  835  193  301  933

430  383  283  190  920  345  182  249  443  991  360  240  486  571  414  947  548  706  271  988

178  510  413  934  716  875  554  557  553  364  742  581  147  980  555  584  697  389  643  916

394  567  231  783  649  857  326  256  472  119  794  801  164  552  169  568  682  825  788  836

573  610  265  726  734  418  796  237  992  286  492  661  622  582  802  287  150  625  412  503

699  137  605  671  876  269  745  333  595  922  962  444  445  884  724  314  544  572  276  769

191  206  201  404  368  434  408  184  129  983  864  194  587  501  144  949  956  427  966  598

172  224  560  531  654  777  102  254  593  455  961  939  288  122  698  569  114  823  746  703

296  941  882  878  964  524  731  913  515  795  420  135  506  826  298  432  197  284  498  294

Without motion

Shadowplay 

language is as close as i want

to get to love

it turns

me round

i wanted to run

into someone

safe enough to wing over

me, the air cold enough

clinging to this temporary

as near as i can stand

it’s fleeting, we retreat

control is about living

& for us, that meant survive

all the world did not give us

& then gave back its madness

i could read the pattern

of how we break, the body

that can’t relax hits a tipping point

written in hate, it was armoring

we had no desire to be the fire

put out, come for me

early morning before we disappear

back into lives, swallowing

of time under our fingers, fingers

you would trace the way i am

fingers under here, we be

this type of animal sheltering

in anonymous

you were the only
beast i could let go
underneath