"maybe the people who come to you can handle your darkness"
said someone to me this week. a friend. i say to myself things like
"only broken people come to you, you attract damage" forget perception
forget we paint the moment we are in with the brush of the past
and it colors everything with what was, not what is
i went to a presentation on healing from sexual trauma
and listened to a room full of women, are you surprised it was
a room full of women but of course we are
my brother was sexually abused and now he is dead
i cry in the bathtub because last week i was having sex
with someone who loves me and who i love but
we can't be together so now i am alone again
it hurts: i go online and in ten minutes find a stranger
to fill that emptiness, fix it: My deepest wound is invisibility
no one can see me and that is how abuse gets in
no one can see me and so too i think of ways to be seen
no matter the cost: i listen to a radio interview with a therapist
on sex addiction and she talks about volition, about whether one
in the moment dissociates and can even make a conscious choice
so tell me how consent works when all i know is other people's bodies
are a way to danger, cloaking what i am worth i seduce abuse b/c i
am in love with the way it consistently wants me back
i don't have to wonder: you love me like you want me dead, you love
me like i'm not real, you love me like i don't exist at all
and yes, i say yes and yes and yes: it's all bloomed inside me
first kiss to fist